I just can’t find a man

Married men, gay men, players, emotionally unavailable men, men with commitment issues – sound familiar?

Do you find that as a heterosexual woman you seem to be attracted to one or more of the men from this list, even when you make a conscious effort not to? Why is this?

Could it be an unconscious fear of intimacy, vulnerability perhaps? Perhaps protecting yourself from getting hurt. ‘He can’t hurt me, if he isn’t available to be in a relationship with me’.

So, you’re swiping left for hours on end, and every now and again you swipe right. You wonder why you’re ‘wasting’ hours on these dating apps, so decide to deactivate your account…again, and register with a new dating app. Why? Well, because ‘Susie’ at work met her boyfriend on Elite Singles and they’ve been together for 5 years. They’re getting married next year June. If it’s good enough for ‘Susie’, it’s good enough for you, right?

So, you excitedly register on Elite Singles hoping that this experience will be different this time round. ‘Ooooh’ your best friend says. ‘You’re sure to find Mr Right on there!’ A dating site where men have to complete a comprehensive set of questions and pay a substantial amount of money to become a member, must have lots of eligible men ready to date! Right?

I’ll let you answer that one.

So what are you doing wrong?

Some women want a man who can meet their emotional needs, sexual needs and financial needs. A man who will listen to them, give great advice, express his feelings, drive a nice car, be spontaneous – as well as plan events. Gently challenge them, protect them, support them, provide for them, run errands for them and be able to read their mind. He must be taller than them, have broad shoulders and big arms, have a well-paid job, and be educated, emotionally intelligent, confident and witty, sensitive and thoughtful, initiates sex and books lovely dinners…All reasonable?

There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want in a man, but perhaps the time has come to reassess your non-negotiables. What do you NEED in a man? What attributes are essential? Are there attributes that you could work with or that are not hugely important?

Have you ever noticed that the men that your now married friends once drooled over, look nothing like the husband that they have now settled down with? Why is that? Maybe your friends realised years ago, that being with a man who makes them feel special, loved and alive, was more important than a man who was taller than them and booked fancy restaurants.

Now I’m not saying it’s all your fault. I think we can all agree that most dating sites have a healthy number of flaky.com men (and women to be honest!) who enjoy the thrill of seeking, just like searching for your next ‘high’, with no intention of settling down, or progressing any type of relationship. There are though men on these dating sites who may not look like Denzel Washington or Brad Pitt, but would treat you like a princess and make you feel ALIVE!